Jokes and things

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A Leeds Fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man Utd fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police
rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Leeds fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Leeds fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The Manc was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Scouser was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The Scouser replies.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Please tie the Manc to my back."

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A man walked into the vegetable section of his local Supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce.

The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his Manager, 'Some Tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.'

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.'

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the Manager found the boy and said, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.

We like people who think on their feet. Where are you from son?'   'Originally from Essex sir,' the boy replied.

'Why did you leave Essex ?' the manager asked.   The boy answered, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Essex . 'No kidding!'   the boy replied. 'Who does she play for?

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
chickens and a goose.. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other
hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

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The parrot is dead.....

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senior Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senior Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won at the Milano International Show last week?'

'Si, Senior, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I've spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

'From eating rotten meat, Senior Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senior. He ate the meat from the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senior Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Si, Senior Rod, he died of heart failure after all that work he did pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we had to use to put out the fire, Senior.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senior! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Si, Senior Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senior Rod.'

'WH ... WHA ... WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senior Rod. She came home very late the night before last and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new customised Callaway Big Bertha 460 golf club ....... '

SILENCE . . . . . . . . . VERY, LONG LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . .

'Ernesto, if you've broken that driver, you're in deep, deep shit!!'

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"

A Woman Knows Her Place

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."

MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN.

OK girls, I'll allow you that one!! .....Eddy

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello."            Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."               Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."            Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one that I really liked."

Man: "How much?"           Woman: "£90,000."

Man: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options."        Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 3900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price."                Woman: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

Man: "Bye! I love you, too."        The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm Celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

she smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave to him and says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says;

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."

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A Solicitor was conducting a preliminary enquiry with a woman who had come in to see about a divorce-

" So he asked "What are your grounds?" She replied "About 4 acres, nice front garden and a lovely pond at the bottom of the back garden"----

No ,he said I mean what's the foundation of your case?----"Oh she said I'm sure it's bricks and mortar"

"I mean" he continued" what are your relations like?"    "My parents still live off the high street, and my husband's mother's in a home"
He sighed" Do you have a genuine grudge?" No she replied " I'm hopeless with cars but I think it's a ford escort"
"Please " he tried again--"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, my son and daughter have stereos, they both want I pods, but we've said no"

"Madam, does your husband beat you up?"   "Yes, she replied "Saturday's and Sundays he gets up a lot earlier than I do"

Finally in frustration the solicitor asks" Madam, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce, my husband does. He says he can't communicate with me!!!

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A woman came home from work and found this letter from her husband:
My Dearest Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain need that you with your 54-year old body can no longer supply. However, I am
very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact
that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before
midnight.

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.
My Dearest Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54
years old. At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you are also reading this, I will be at the Ritz Carleton with Michael, my
tennis coach, who, like your secretary, also is 18. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow

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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked  the Director what determined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "it's simple, really.  We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and  a bucket to the patient  and ask
him or her  to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I see,"  said the visitor.  "A normal person would use the bucket, because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No."  said the Director,  "A normal person would pull the plug.  Would you like your bed to be near a window?"

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Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. my wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.

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Three Australian guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife.

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of  Fosters.Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,' You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

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I went home with a huge bunch of flowers for the wife the other day.

"OOOh I suppose I'll have to open my legs for you now will I " she said

'Why don't you put them in a vase like everyone else

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An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney.

The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid.

All on the house."       The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.
He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."

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"What would you do if a bird shit on your head?---the other replies I don't know ,what would you do? --Well, i certainly wouldn't take her out again!!.

How do you turn a duck into a Soul Singer??------Put it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers

Many years ago when lots of white blokes chased after one black guy with clubs ,it was called the Klu-Klux-Klan ---yet now it,s called the P.G.A World Golf Championship!!!!.

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When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her: "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars!"

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much smarter than men........

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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" But you're still at fault. . women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are evil bitches. ! Don't mess with them.

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four- hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir."

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back".

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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman:

"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog, he won't bother you but, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

"I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled:

" Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied:

"Get him, Spike!"

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The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As

he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.

He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit"

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!", the tailor said. Bill tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.

As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Bill was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give

you one hell of a headache."

New suit - £400 New shirt - £36 New underwear - £6 Second opinion - Priceless

Right then how many have you counted?

3 ?

Wrong

Try again

There are actually 6

The brain cannot process "OF". Incredible of what?

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

If you got all 6 you are a genius, give yourself a pat on the back

A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof department store" looking for a job.
The manager says " Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says " Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow, Il come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says "one."
The boss says, "just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day!
How much was the sale for?
The kid says " $101,237.64"
The boss says, "$101,23764? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"
Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"
The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.."

A couple were going out for the evening.

They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house.

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "The Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"

A teacher gave her year seven class an assignment: have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories.

Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and we have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pickup and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over

everything. "And what is the moral to that story?"

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."

"Very good!" said the teacher.

Then little Lucy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."

"That was a fine example, Lucy. Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."

"Yes, Ma'am. My Daddy told me my Aunty Lorraine was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunty Lorraine when she's been drinking."

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.

I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house.

I walked straight towards my car

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring. He replies, "I

have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and

hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic!"

"OK" the Nun says "Pull into the next alley."

The Nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Jeff and I'm going to a Halloween party."

How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely, The Dog

Click HERE for the result Click HERE for the Author

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t's all true
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, thyroid problem?
3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. 13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A man goes to his bank manager.
Man: I'd like to borrow EUR200,000 to set up in the cheese making business.
Bank Manager: And where were you going to set up this business?
Man: A little place in Somerset England called Cheddar.
There's a nice gorge there and some caves. It's really lovely.
BM: But what are you going to market your cheese as?
Man: I thought "Cheddar Cheese".
BM: Don't be so stupid. There's already a Cheddar Cheese. It's one of the
most famous cheeses in the world. Go away and have a re-think!!
Two months later........... Man: I'd like to borrow EUR200,000 to set up in the cheese making business.
BM: Where this time?
Man: A little place in Wales called Caerphilly.
BM: For god's sake man! - there's already a cheese by that name.
Don't bother me again until you've really thought this through!!!
One month later.... Man: I'd like to borrow EUR200,000 to set up in the cheese making business.
BM (Exasperated): Where now??!
Man: Israel!
BM: Israel! now that could work. There isn't much of a cheese industry in Israel. What were you thinking of calling the company?
Man: Cheeses of Nazareth.

That's awful....certainly the cheesiest joke we've had so far Eddy

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Using new technology for fertility, a 75 year old woman gave birth to a baby. When she left hospital, her relatives visited. "may we see the baby?" one asked. "Not yet" she said, Thirty minutes passed and another relative asked: "can we see the baby now?" "No not yet" she replied. Finally they asked "when can we see the baby?" "when it cries" she told them. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?" they asked. The mother replied "i've forgotten where I put it!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have
thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he
could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a
spatula by his wife. . . . . . . . . . .

"Feck off !! " she said, "they're for the funeral !!"

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

WOMAN'S DIARY: Sunday 13th June 2004.

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I
suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I
just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the
matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant
and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep.

------------------------------------------------

MAN'S DIARY: Sunday 13th June 2004. England lost to France. Gutted. Got a shag though.