Jokes and things
Please feel free to join in, send your funnies to EDDY EDMONDSON with the subject "for the jokes page"
DOG FOR SALE:
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says
'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'
after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Irish passenger yelled... 'For goodness sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!'
It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. .."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre. Claude was never invited back.
Psychiatrist vs. Bartender
Ever since I was a child I’ve always had a fear of someone under my bed at night, so I went to a psychiatrist and told him: "I've got a problem. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?", I asked.
"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.
"I'll sleep on it," I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?", he asked.
"Well, eighty dollars per visit, three times a week, for a year is an awful lot of money -- a total of $12,480! A bartender cured me for the $10 price of a couple of drinks. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car!"
"Is that so!", with a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -- Ain't nobody under there now!"
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking
for some hot action. So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
After a night of drink and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."
I have just had my water bill of £100 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can
supply a whole African village for just £2 a month. Time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.. I think they were Hovis Witnesses.
These first few are not really jokes but I find interesting!
Don't delete this just
because it looks weird.
Believe it or not, you can read it.
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would
find the letter 'A'?
A. One Thousand
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his
wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb' Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David - Hearts - Charlemagne - Clubs -Alexander The Great - Diamonds - Julius Caesar
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England,
when Customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints
and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'
Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.
Costume Party --
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got
into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have agood time when you're not there."
"Did you dance much ?"
"I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But you're not
going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."
POSSIBLY THE WORST JOKE ON THIS (or any other) SITE
Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"
Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.
About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"
Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy, let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her, eventually admits that yes she did.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".
beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the
summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started
canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood..
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much > will you charge me?'
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $100?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'
responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'
replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb
blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. 'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $100.00 and handed it to her along with a ten-dollar tip.
'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'
An old soul fan out on a long summer ride in the country on his Lambretta pulls up to a pub in the middle of nowhere, parks his scooter and walks inside.
As he passes through the door,
he sees a sign hanging over the bar:
COLD BEER : £2.00 HAMBURGER
CHEESEBURGER : £2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : £3.50
HAND JOB : £50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old soulie walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of local farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to him. "Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The soulie leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
He leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".
walks into a
bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen
you in a while. What happened? You
"What do you mean?" said the pirate. "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine,
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."
"You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?"
"It was my first day with the hook."
Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Shamus He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary . He
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs
bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step As he caught himself by grabbing
the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially
Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw ! blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?' Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
A woman goes to
her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.
It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.
The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip...
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!'
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let a fart rip that rivalled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'
A man checks into a hotel in Blackpool ,
England while on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of
those girls you see advertised
in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture!
He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line '
Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's
when the man picks up a crate of Stella
and sticks them into the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the price'
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland . Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped
present in a parcel with the following
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year..
I hope you will wear them for me on our
All my love,
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
A Leeds Fan, a Liverpool fan
and a Man Utd fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of
booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police
rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Leeds fan was first in line (he had drunk the
least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a
pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Leeds fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The Manc was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Scouser was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The Scouser replies.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.
"Please tie the Manc to my back."
walked into the vegetable section of his local Supermarket and asked
for half a head of lettuce.
The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his Manager, 'Some Tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.'
finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him,
so he added, 'And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.'
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the Manager found the boy and said, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.
We like people
who think on their feet. Where are you from son?'
'Originally from Essex sir,' the boy replied.
'Why did you leave Essex ?' the manager asked. The boy answered, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there.'
'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Essex . 'No kidding!' the boy replied. 'Who does she play for?
The parrot is dead.....
At dawn the
telephone rings, 'Hello, Senior Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am
just calling to advise you, Senior Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won at the Milano International Show last week?'
'Si, Senior, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I've spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
eating rotten meat, Senior Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senior. He ate the meat from the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
thoroughbred, Senior Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Si, Senior Rod, he died of heart failure after all that work he did pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we
had to use to put out the fire, Senior.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senior! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'
'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senior Rod.'
'WH ... WHA ... WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senior Rod. She came home very late the night before last and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new customised Callaway Big Bertha 460 golf club ....... '
SILENCE . . . . . . . . . VERY, LONG LONG SILENCE . . . . . . . . .
'Ernesto, if you've broken that driver, you're in deep, deep shit!!'
Two builders in a pub
Two builders in a pub start to speculate about the occupation of a man in a smart suit at the bar.
1st builder "I reckon he's an accountant"
2nd builder "No way, he's a stockbroker"
1st builder "No, a stockbroker wouldn't come in a place like this"
The argument goes on until the volume of beer gets the better of the 1st builder and he goes to the toilet just at the same time as the man in the suit.
Curiosity and the beer gets the better of him and at the urinal he asks the man in the suit:
"'scuse me but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living"
The man replies:
"Well I'm a logical scientist by profession"
"What's that then?" the builder asks
"I'll try to explain" the man says "Do you have a goldfish?"
The builder replies "yes I do as it happens"
"Well" says the man "it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"
The builder replies "It's in a pond"
The man continues "then it'd reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden"
"Yes I do" replies the builder
"So it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden you have a large house"
The builder says proudly "I have a 5 bedroom house, I built it myself"
"So given that you haven't just built this big house for yourself, you are quite probably married"
"I live with my wife and 4 children" the builder replies
"Well then is it logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?" the man asks
"Yep, 4 nights a week" replies the builder
"Well then it's logical to suggest that you do not masturbate often?" asks the man
"Me?" the builder looks shocked "never!"
The man smiles - "There you are, that's logical science at work!"
"How's that then?" the builder asks looking puzzled
"Well from finding out you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of your house, your family and your sex life" the man explains
"I see" says the builder "that's pretty impressive, thanks mate"
They leave the toilet and the builder goes back to his mate.
The 2nd builder says "I see that flash geezer was in there. Did you ask him what he does?"
"Yep" replies the 1st builder "He's a logical scientist"
"What's that then?" asks the 1st builder
"I'll try to explain" says the first builder "do you have a goldfish?"
"Nope" replies the 2nd builder
"Well then you're a wanker"
Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked "What's tha sellin' ere?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, "Tha's doing reet well, only two left!"
A bloke goes into the Job Centre in Swindon and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh - yes here it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions.
Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of £45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go to Oxford."
"Oh why, is that where the job's based?"
"No – that's where the end of the queue is"
A Wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never there!"
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
It is important for men to remember that, as
women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at
them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age . I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner; I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating
women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Jim died suddenly on Feb 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
A Muslim was seated next to an
Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said:
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
devote Catholic, had passed away. The priest conducted her eulogy with heartfelt
"Penelope married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she married yet again and this time had 5 more children. Again, her husband died.
Then alas, she finally died, he intoned.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for Penelope. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her friend. Mary, "Do you think he
means her first, second or third husband?"
Mary replied, "I think he means her legs."
A Woman Knows Her Place
Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land Mines."
MORAL OF THE STORY: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN.
OK girls, I'll allow you that one!! .....Eddy
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: "Hello." Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Man: "Yes." Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?"
Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much." Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one that I really liked."
Man: "How much?" Woman: "£90,000."
Man: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options." Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000."
Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 3900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price." Woman: "Okay. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
Man: "Bye! I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through. "Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park..." Then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
Little Johnny's neighbours had a
baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would be grounded
for the rest of the month.
Little Johnny told his dad he
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
He's got a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful. The Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be knackered if he needed glasses!"
Not a joke, BUT it's the ONLY funny thing Christine Oldham has sent me in 5 years!!!!
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate
attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her
point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, ................ "I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to get in line for that too."
One day, leaning
on the bar, Jack says to Mike
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"
"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".
So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back
to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer printed the following:
1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better........
Thank you for shopping at Tesco
Here are six reasons why you
should think before you speak Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back, or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts. "My sister started to laugh hysterically.The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!
"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty trainingand I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checkedmy seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking" Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have
had an accident,because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more
time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants ,bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled
up his pants and sat down.An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will ,in the future, likely think before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
A woman and a man are involved in a
car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of
their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are
hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention.
to shower like a woman:
Get in shower - use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once
with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with gingernut and jaffa cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Jif. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs.
bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along
the way, cover any exposed areas.
to Shower like a Man:
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake knob ather making woo-hoo sound.
Look at manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your knob and scratch your butt. Get in the shower. Wash your face.Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt leaving coarse hairs stuck on the soap. Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk.
Pee. Rinse off shampoo and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor.
Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light on and fan on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noises again.
going to dis-agree ?
NOT REALLY A JOKE THIS.... BUT VERY INTERESTING
Test your eyes Count every "F" in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT
OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC STUDY
COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS
Right then how many have you counted?
There are actually 6The brain cannot process "OF". Incredible of what?
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
If you got all 6 you are a genius, give yourself a pat on the back
They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house.
They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long" he says. "The Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle,
Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur,
been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycles, eh?!"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it and smiled.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
Ladies please complain to Ian seaman not me.....Eddy
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, thyroid problem?
3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you
going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. 13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
That's awful....certainly the cheesiest joke we've had so far Eddy
Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies
of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.
gathered his remaining
strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the
wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even
effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have
thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.
heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife
of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he
could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the
edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a
spatula by his wife. . . . . . . . . . .
off !! " she said, "they're for the funeral !!"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++WOMAN'S DIARY: Sunday 13th June 2004.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I
just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the
matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant
and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.
I cried myself to sleep.
MAN'S DIARY: Sunday 13th June 2004. England lost to France. Gutted. Got a shag though.
A guy got into a lift with a rather posh couple, on the way up to the 10th floor he couldn't hold back and dropped a huge fart
Excuse me, said the man Do you mind not farting in front of my wife
Sorry mate he replied, I didn't realise it was her turn
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retire and fall asleep quickly. He is in the upper bunk and she is in the lower bunk. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying: "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for
tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own f****g blanket!" After a moment of silence, he farted.
Two Scousers are talking and one says that he got burgled over the weekend, "What did they get?" asked his mate.
Well they got my telly, DVD player, video, stereo, microwave and lots of other things, but to add insult to injury, I had just made a big dish of hot pot, and it was on the cooker cooling, and the dirty sod shit in it!
"Ah mate that's terrible" said his mate
I know, I had to throw half of it away!
ALL YOU GUYS WHO TRAVEL TO
chap staying at the Ritz Hotel in
rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be
gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, a missionary shag, some doggie-style,
some mild bondage, finishing off with a boob wank. Is that OK"?
The lady says: "It sounds intriguing sir, but you might like to press
9 first to get an outside line."
The lady says: "It sounds intriguing sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."
A middle aged woman spends
$5000 for a face lift and feels pretty good about herself. Out on a shopping
trip, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to
the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I
"About 32," was the reply. "No - I'm 47, " the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The assistant replies, "I guess maybe... about 29?" The woman replies, "Nope, I'm exactly 47."
Now, feeling really great, she stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk the same question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say... 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm sorry, I'm 78 and my eyesight ain't so good. Although..., when I was young, there was a sure fire way to tell how old a lady was. It may sound a little forward, but it requires me put my hands under your bra. I could then tell you exactly how old you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the better of her. She finally blurts out, "Oh what the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and inside her bra and begins to feel around very slowly, very carefully. He Lifts one breast then the other and holds each and touches and caresses each breast...After a couple of minutes, she said, "Okay,
okay,... that's enough, how old am I ?" He completes one last squeeze and removes his hands, "Madam, you are exactly 47 years old."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,... how do you know that?"
He replied, "I was behind you in the line at Mc Donald's."
Blame Pete Meadows for that!
An elderly couple had
been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had
a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking
over his glasses, looked her in the eye casually and asked, . . . "Was that one or two words?"
Jake was dying.
His wife, Joanie, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from
his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Joanie," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh... don't talk." -"I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Joanie. Everything's all right, just go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Joanie. I...I cheated on you!"
"I know," Joanie whispered as she softly stroked his forehead. Shhhh... just let the poison do it's work....."
A man was walking down the street, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for a couple of
dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked,
"If I gave you this money, will you buy beer with it instead?"
"No, stopped drinking years ago", the homeless man said.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble", the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive".
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
the man asked.
"Are you BLOODY NUTS?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Will you spend the money to watch a porn movie?"
"Are you kidding I gave sex up years ago, it means nothing now".
"Well", said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife".
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I'm very dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad". The man
"That's okay, mate! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, golf and sex
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!" says the husband."Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing!" replied the drunk.
Subject: Don't Fart In
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and
the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them off! Then, one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked in the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his
underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting.
This was followed by a blood-curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About
twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood-stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and Ididn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked the wife.
"Well you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But, by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Once upon a time there lived a
woman who had a maddening passion baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately
they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her.
Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that
they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle
man, he would never go for this carrying on."
So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that would be late because she had to walk home.
On her way she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home she
putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could
Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang.
He made her promise not to
touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.
The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.
Keeping her ears tuned to the
conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes.
When the phone farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the
air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands
upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.
She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that
she had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!
There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!
attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait
that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally
naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one
in the middle had a pink penis.
curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the
painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour
explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a
predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out,
"some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the
cultural and sociological oppression expression by gay men in contemporary
curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you
like to know what the painting is really about?"
why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African-American depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.
walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The
pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell
bum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures the
pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular
basis, and would like some more.
"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde.
you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."
returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it
and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, ........"To apply, push up bottom"
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to
your bra and panties.
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are
The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over
again that you love them.
The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really
dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with
other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the
forehead, knees and lower back.
The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,
smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
FROM THE BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler." (Bournemouth Evening Echo)
An escaped convict, imprisoned for murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.
As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!
Be strong and I love you.
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says,
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way.
You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck. He
whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom.
Be strong and I love you too.
Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either
side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and
sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the
occupation of the suit...
Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.
James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.
Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.
Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...
Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!
Chris: - Oh ! What's that then ?
Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?
Chris: - Er . mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Chris: - It's in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?
Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Chris: - Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very
Chris: - Me? Never
Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
Chris: - How's that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !
Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.
James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
James: - What's that then?
Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
James: - Nope
Chris: - Well, you're a wanker then.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where
the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they
any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
This is ACTUAL RAINBOW SCRIPT
You lot might enjoy this, it's an original script from Rainbow, (Remember it??) and possibly the funniest one ever:
The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana...
Zippy: " One skin, two skin, three skin, four " George: " Zippy, where is Bungle?"
Zippy: " I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"
We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it. Bungle: " Geoffrey, I can't get it in"
Geoffrey: "You managed it last night" Bungle: "I know, lets try it round the other way.Ooooooh, I've got it in"
Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg kit.
Bungle: " Would you stick this on the shelf, George" George: " I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself,Bungle." Geoffrey ( to camera ) " Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing"
Bungle: " Playing with each other,Geoffrey?" Geoffrey:" Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play with?" George:" Yesterday we played with each other's balls. Are we going to play with our friend's balls today? Bungle: " Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well." Geoffrey (to camera) Have you seen Bungles twanger? Zippy:" Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it." Bungle: " It's my plucking instrument."
Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle. Zippy:" I can, I'm the best plucker here."
George;" And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy?
Zippy:" Well of course it is, Your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft." Geoffrey;" Let's get back to Bungle's twanger." Bungle ( excited ) " Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all play with our twangers couldn't we? Let's play the plucking song. Singers Rod, Jane and Freddy enter. Freddie:" We could hear you all banging away" Rod: " Banging can be fun ." Jane:" Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and Freddie."
Freddie (looking sad) " Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument." Rod (to Jane) " Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?" Jane: " Oh no, I was banging away with Freddie last night. But would you like to play with my maracas? Zippy;" No, let's just pluck away with our twangers." George:" Yes, it doesn't matter what size our twanger is." Zippy;" I've got a big red one." George:" I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like to play with it." Geoffrey ( to viewers )" Well, have you got your twangers out? And remember, you can bang your balls at the same time. If you haven't got any, ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all play the plucking song." " Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we're going to pluck all day." Geoffrey ( waving )" It's time to go. But don't forget to get your twangers out and play with your balls. Excellent!!!!
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in
Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company.
One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in
mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the
trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund
nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and watch what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"
But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
Moral of the story: IF YOU CAN'T DAZZLE THEM WITH YOUR BRILLIANCE, THEN BAFFLE THEM WITH YOUR BULLSHIT!!
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would?
HUSBAND: ( groan)
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
Thanks Carole, the others are too rude!!
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because............
Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the passenger seat was a treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.
We ate lard sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.
We did not have Play
stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape
movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones,
no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends. we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue, we learned to get over it.
We walked to friend's homes.
We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school, we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.
We made up games with
sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it
would happen, we did not have very many eyes out,
nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all..............................................And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Thanks to Steve Lane for that